Life in Akatsuki
by Tobi-the-good-boy
Summary: The chronicles of the daytoday life of our favorite criminal organization. Rated M for foul language, cracktastic situations, and the presence of Hidan. Chapter 5 is now up!
1. A Typical Morning

Life in Akatsuki

By: Tobi-the-good-boy

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own Naruto, meaning I (sadly) don't own Akatsuki. If I did, Sasori and Kakuzu would still be alive. And Hidan would still be intact. So I'm taking some liberties and making it so they are. There might be a little OOC, but I'll try to keep them in character. This is my first (posted) fanfic, so be nice. Don't review if you don't like. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

**Life in Akatsuki**

**Chapter 01: A Typical Morning**

"Good morning, sempai!"

"GAH!!"

Shocked from the surprise wake-up call, Deidara immediately fell out of bed, pulling his blanket down along with him.

Tobi looked down at his blonde superior on the floor and sweat-dropped.

"Um… sorry sempai."

Deidara, raising his head, glared daggers at the masked boy, who was currently scratching the back of his head and repetitively saying 'Sorry sempai' over and over.

"Tobi… you have seven seconds to get out of the room before I stuff a wad of clay in your eyehole, un."

"But…" Tobi whimpered slightly. "But this is my room, too."

Deidara reached for his clay pouch, the mouth in his hand sticking out its tongue.

"Four seconds, un."

Yelping like a small animal, Tobi hurried out of the room, not even bothering to close the door.

"Hmph." Deidara takes his hand away from his clay pouch, then throws his blanket back on the bed from the floor. "Man, that little freak is going to push me over the edge soon, un."

Sasori then woke up at this point, strands of red hair covering his eyes.

"Hey, keep it down," Sasori grumbled. "I had a rough time last night."

"Sorry, danna." The blond ninja yawned. "I'm going to go get some breakfast."

Merely grumbling, Sasori pulled the blanket back over his head and soon fell silent.

Deidara took his band off the nightstand and tied his hair up into his trademark ponytail. Finally getting up from the floor, he walked over to the dresser and slipped on his Akatsuki cloak.

"Oi…" Deidara muttered. "Just another day… un."

Deidara then slipped on his sandals and shuffled out the door to face the day.

Everything was running just the way it should in Akatsuki HQ. Itachi and Kisame were at the counter, Itachi drinking a hot mug of coffee while Kisame gave himself a migraine trying to solve the daily crossword puzzle. Zetsu was out on the small balcony overlooking the city, munching on a severed human arm. Kakuzu was standing outside of the bathroom with his arms crossed, most likely waiting for Hidan to get out of the shower. Leader sat with Kuroyuki at the table my the window, both engaged in a conversation Deidara didn't really hear. Tobi was sprawled out on the couch, propping his head up in his hands and watching the ceiling fan spin.

"Damnit Hidan, hurry up!" Kakuzu extended one of his hands and banged on the door, nearly breaking the wood. "You've been in there for forty-five minutes!"

"Shut up, shithead!" Hidan shouted from within the bathroom, the sound of the shower stopping. Hidan finally walked out of the bathroom, Akatsuki cloak draped over his shoulders like a towel. As usual, Hidan didn't bother to put on a shirt. "You know I have to cleanse myself after my tributes to Jashin-sama! Besides, bloods a bitch to wash off when it dries, seriously."

Not wanting to bother arguing right now, Kakuzu merely sighed and walked into the bathroom, nearly breaking the door off its hinges slamming it.

"Hey, Kisame-san," Deidara called, walking toward him and leaning against the counter. "Any coffee left, un?"

"Yes, plenty," The man looked up from his crossword, flashing his shark-like smile. "Just don't expect me to get it for you. Oh, by the way what's an eight-letter word to describe someone with low intelligence?"

"Uh…" Deidara reached up and scratched at the side of his head, thinking. After a moment or two, he just shrugs and walks over to the coffee pot. "Beats me, un."

Taking a sip from his simple black mug, Itachi looks over at Deidara sighs. "Imbecile."

"Huh?!" Hearing this, Deidara turned immediately and pointed at Itachi, a vein standing out on his forehead. "What did you call me?!"

The Uchiha prodigy gave his blond comrade an indifferent look and merely takes another sip of coffee. "Imbecile. An eight letter word for one with low intelligence."

"Oh." Deidara merely sweat-dropped, the turned around again to pour himself some coffee.

"Thank you, Itachi-san." Kisame picked up his pencil and jotted the word down, moving on to try and complete the rest of the puzzle.

After about five minutes, Kakuzu came out of the bathroom and went to pour himself some coffee as well. Hidan looked over at him and muttered something most likely involving his 'blasphemous, miserly, fucking berserker psychopath of a partner.'

About five minutes after that, Sasori shuffled out of his, Deidara's and Tobi's room fully dressed, looking like the Sandman drove a semi truck over him. Not even bothering to get some coffee, he merely flopped down on one of the couches in the living room.

Some odd twenty minutes later, Zetsu walked inside from the balcony, both halves of him conversing with each-other.

"I'm telling you," his white half muttered, "We should hit the graveyard next."

"No way," his black half grumbled, "We should get something from the hospital."

Settling with trying to decide where to eat later on, he finally sat down on one of the various couches.

Tobi finally looked down from the fan and spotted Deidara walking toward the living room.

"Sempai!" the boy shouted, waving his arms over his head frantically. "Sempai, sit over here, over here!"

"Yeah, yeah, keep it down, un." Deidara hopped over the back of the couch and plopped down next to his hyperactive subordinate.

After a while, Leader and Kuroyuki finally walk over to the living room, both remaining standing.

"Alright," Leader said, glancing around the room at his comrades scattered around on the numerous couches in the room. "Anyway, Kuroyuki and I have some business to attend to in another village. In the meantime, try not to destroy the building."

At that last statement, everybody in the room turned to look at Deidara.

Groaning, the blond ninja quickly slaps a hand to his forehead.

"Oh for the love of… how many times to I have to say I'm sorry?!"

"Relax," Sasori said, scratching at his red-haired head. "I need you and Tobi to come with me to pick up some puppet materials anyway."

Tobi sat up at this, most likely smiling brightly behind his mask.

"I get to go with you and sempai? Yay!" Tobi then clapped his hands together briefly, causing everybody in the room to sweat-drop.

"I have to go cash some bounties later, then I have to stop my the bank." Kakuzu glanced at Hidan, who was busy picking at the inside of his ear. "My guess would be that Hidan would rather stay here and go on with his pointless rituals."

"Oi!" Hidan snapped, glaring at Kakuzu as if trying to kill him through eye contact. "Don't you dare mock Jashin-sama, you fucking bastard! Besides, I have to get some towels. Seriously, my old ones aren't soaking up the blood anymore."

"Fine, geez." Kakuzu rolled his eyes at his partner. "Don't have a coronary."

"I'm staying here today," Kisame yawned, stretching his arms over his head. "Not sure about Itachi-san, though."

Itachi merely nodded, confirming he was staying.

"What about..." Leader looked to see Zetsu had already left. "Okay. In that case, we'll be back around seven."

As Leader and Kuroyuki left, soon the others began leaving at different times. In about a half hour, all but Itachi and Kisame were gone. Itachi then got up and began to leave the living room.

"Oi," Kisame said, tilting his head back to watch his leaving partner. "Where are you going, Itachi-san?"

"Bed." The Uchiha then disappeared through the doorway of Itachi and Kisame's room. With nothing else to do, Kisame merely picked up the remote and turned on the TV.

'Today on Animal Planet,' the TV sounded, 'We will delve into the world of the king of the ocean deep, the majestic and deadly great white shark.'

"Ah…" Kisame sighed, leaning back into the couch cushions. "Yes... Just another day."

* * *

Anyway, what do you think? I know it definitely sucks, but I just figured I'd post to see what others thought. Anyway, I'm planning on writing more in the near future, but then again, I won't bother if it's that bad. Well, I hope you all liked it! I'll have a new chapter as soon as I can! 

Oh... and for those who read this who are probably going "Who the HELL is Kuroyuki?", Kuroyuki is the name I came up with for the unnamed blue-haired member of Akatsuki.


	2. Disturbing Mental Imagery

Life in Akatsuki

By: Tobi-the-good-boy

_Disclaimer:_ Once again, I don't own Naruto, meaning I (sadly) don't own Akatsuki. Possible OOC, but I'll try to keep them in character. Anyway, I patched together a second chapter, so here it is. Don't review if you don't like. Hope you enjoy!

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**Life in Akatsuki**

**Chapter 02: Disturbing Mental Imagery**

Everybody was out of the HQ that day, with the exceptions of Tobi, Kakuzu and Hidan. While Tobi sat on one of the numerous couches watching the TV, Kakuzu sat at the counter sipping coffee and looking through the mail for bills. Since Hidan wasn't present and the shower wasn't running, he was probably busy with one of his rituals.

Bored beyond belief, he hopped over the back of the couch and went over to Kakuzu to see what he was doing.

"Hey Kakuzu-san!" the masked boy asked, "What are you doing with those papers?"

"I'm trying to work on the bills. Please be quiet."

"Oh." Tobi watched the older man look at the papers for a few seconds, then diverted his gaze back at him. "Hey Kakuzu-san?"

Kakuzu glanced at Tobi, sighing heavily. "What, Tobi?" His voice in an obviously forced one of calm. "I'm extremely busy."

"I'm bored!" Tobi exclaimed, looking down slightly. He then raises his head to look at the man, smiling brightly behind his mask. "Will you play with me?"

Exasperated, the man merely stares at the boy in silence for a few moments before speaking.

"I'm busy, go play in traffic."

Whimpering, the boy turned and wandered down the hallway, preparing to just go to bed and wait for the day to end.

"Oi, Tobi, what's up with you? Seriously, you look like somebody stomped your fucking cat."

Tobi turned to see Hidan, shirtless and a towel wrapped around his ribs, trickles of blood running down his body from under the towel.

"Oh, hello Hidan-san. I'm just bored out of my mind, and I don't have any way to keep myself entertained."

Hidan frowns, causing Tobi to tilt his head in confusion.

"Oi, what's wrong, Hidan-san?"

"Since you have the attention span of a fruit bat," Hidan said, smoothing his hair back against his head, "I guess I have no choice but to keep you company since nobody else is here."

"Um... Kakuzu-san is here."

Hidan looked up at this, furrowing his brow. "Huh? You mean that fucker is _still_ here?!"

"Um..." Tobi took a slight step back, rubbing the back of his head. "...Yes?"

At this, Hidan stormed off to the main area, leaving a very confused Tobi alone.

"Come on, just _watch_ the little shit, man!"

Tobi didn't hear Kakuzu's reply, but he could guess it convinced Hidan to just shut up.

Hidan went back to meet Tobi, who was greatly confused, then just thought of something.

"Hey, Hidan-san!"

Hidan looked at Tobi, resisting the urge to rip his vocal cords out. "What?"

"Um, when you do your rituals," Tobi said, looking at the bloodied towel wrapped around Hidan's midsection, "How much does it hurt?"

Hidan the smirked at this, obviously amused. "You ever get a splinter?"

Tobi nodded vigorously, remembering how he once got a splinter in his finger trying to pick up one of Sasori's puppets.

"Well..." Hidan drawled, smiling in an extremely manner.

"Take that splinter, then make it the size of a fucking pencil. Then wrap it in barbed wire, then soak it in oil. Then set it on fire. Take the flaming barbed piece of wood, then load it in a crossbow and have somebody fire it at your heart. Then once that is set, have somebody start whipping the shit out of you with razor-tipped whips. With the flaming barbed stake in your heart and people beating you with the razor-whips, pull down your pants and fall ass-first in a tub filled with rusty nails and broken glass soaked in tobasco sacue. Then to wrap it all up, finally just have somebody slam a two-by-four with a whole shitload of nails going through it over the top of your head."

"And _that's_ how much my rituals hurt, seriously." Hidan looked at Tobi to see his reaction. "Satisfied?"

His reaction was everything Hidan thought it would be.

Tobi was just standing speechless, shaking like a scared lamb. A few trickles of sweat rolled down the side of the boys head, and his fingers were twitching violently. Hidan guessed that behind the mask, the poor kid was probably wide-eyed and was biting down on one of his lips.

"What's the matter, Tobi?" Hidan said grinning, obviously pleased. "Didn't scare you, did I?"

Tobi, still shakig merely turned around and headed into the room he, Deidara and Sasori shared, quietly closed the door, and nobody saw him the rest of that day.

Hidan strided into the living room and plopped down on one of the couches next to Kakuzu, who was currently watching _The Green Mile_.

"Did you really have to do that?" Kakuzu said, glancing sideways at his partner.

Hidan turned to look at Kakuzu, cocking a brow. "Huh?"

Kakuzu slapped his forehead and sighed, then looked back at the movie. "Man, I heard your little 'educational speech.' The little twerp's probably curled up into a ball in the corner of his room.

Hidan leaned further into the couch cushions, smiling like a man who had just accomplished a lifelong dream. "Yep. I think it went rather well. Oh, change the channel, I fucking hate _The Green Mile_. It so boring its like its not even Stephen King, seriously."

Kakuzu glared at his partner out of the corner oh his eye. "Shut up, it's almost over. If it makes you feel any better, _It_ is on next."

"Sweet." Resting his head against the back of the couch, he waited for the movie to end.

Hours later, Deidara and Sasori walked into their room to see Tobi curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth on the floor in the corner of the room.

"Uh..." Sasori looks over at Deidara, arching a brow. "...What do you think happened to him?"

Deidara walked over to Tobi, looking both amused and concerned at the same time.

"Oi, Tobi," Deidara said, crouching down beside him. "What happened to you, un?"

Still in the fetal position, Tobi looked up at Deidara shaking slightly.

"Hidan... question... disturbing pictures... in my brain... my poor brain..."

Staring for a few seconds, the blond and the red-head both merely shrug and go to their bunks.

Tobi didn't get any sleep that week.

* * *

Anyway, so there's my attempt at a second chapter. I know it's probably not all that good, but I try my best. Just please do me a favor and don't review if you don't like it. So I guess this means nobody will be reviewing. 3

So, I'll post another chapter whenever, if anybody wants. Or I'll probably just post a new one regardless. Hope you liked it!


	3. Just Teaching Him A Lesson

Life in Akatsuki

By: Tobi-the-good-boy

_Disclaimer:_ For the third time, I don't own Naruto, so I don't own Akatsuki. Possible OOC, but I'll try to keep order. Anyway, here's chapter. Don't review if you don't like. Enjoy!

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**Life in Akatsuki**

**Chapter 03: Just Teaching Him A Lesson**

Until last week, nobody really knew a whole lot about Kuroyuki. All most Akatsuki members knew was she was Leader's partner. But as it turned out in that incident, Kuroyuki was by far the most evil and sadistic member of the entire organization.

Hidan found this out firsthand.

In that incident, Kuroyuki was in the main area sitting on one of the various couches reading _A Clockwork Orange_. Everybody else was off on their own devices, save a few members, but she was alone in the room for the moment.

After an hour or two of solitude, everyboy's favorite foul-mouthed religious zealot waltzed into the room and plopped down on another couch, grabbed the remote and ended upturning on _Constantine_.

Kuroyuki jumped slightly from the sudden noise, then glanced over at Hidan watching the movie. Irritated by the disturbance in the silence, she just tried to continue with her reading. However, it was soon getting impossible to concentrate, Hidan often voicing his own opinions on the film.

"Dear God, just shut up..." Kuroyuki was resisting the urge to go over, decaptate him and stow his head in the shed to keep his constant noise out of her earshot. But she was at least able to calm herself by fantasizing herself horribly mutilating him. Soon, Hidan continued with his outburst until she couldn't cope anymore.

"Hot damn!" Hidan exclaimed, watching the movie laughing. "I like the way this Gabriel chick thinks!"

Unable to take this a moment longer, she dogears a page and closes the book to look at Hidan.

"Hidan... please keep your outbursts to yourself."

Without even looking up from the movie, Hidan holds one of his hands up and flips her the bird.

"Eh, fuck off. I'm just enjoying the movie."

Glaring, she tries to repress the urge to cut out his vocal cords to end this argument.

"This is the last time I shall ask," Kuroyuki said, forced calm evident in her tone. "Please watch your film quietly."

Groaning, Hidan gets up and starts walking over toward her, brow furrowed and mouth curled down in a frown.

"And this is the last time _I'm_ going to say it. Shut your fucking mouth, I ain't doing shit."

Infuriated but maintaining a calm expression, she rises off the couch and glares back at him.

"Don't test my patience, Hidan."

"Or what?" At this, Hidan develops a smug grin on his face and leans in close. "What the fuck can you do? I've never even fucking seen you fucking do anything. I bet you can't even fight."

By the time that sentence ended, Kuroyuki had snapped. She then sighs, then slowly takes a step back.

"Oh, what's this?" Hidan chuckles, grinning broadly. "What's the matter, you finally decided to just shut the-"

Without any warning, Kuroyuki jerks her right leg back and brings it back forward and up full-force squarely into Hidan's groin.

After a moment of shocked silence, Hidan finally uttered a horrid, piercing, rusty scream that resonated throughout the HQ. Outside, birds took flight from the trees outside, scared by the sudden scream. After about ten constant seconds of screaming, Hidan stood there bow-legged, seemingly petrified. After a moment, Hidan finally dropped to his knees, cluthing the most-likely shattered remains of his testicles. He looked up at Kuroyuki, who was smirking triumphantly, looking like a scared puppy.

"You... bitch..." Hidan currently sounded like he just inhaled an entire tank of helium.

Merely staring down at him, a grin of tiumph on her face, she merely says two words.

"Damn straight."

Hidan now slowly arches his back, still on his knees and his forehead now touching the floor. He eventually tilts over and lands on his side with a thud, his back rubbing against a leg of the couch.

"Ow... my balls... you fucking broke my balls, you fucking bitch... ow, you bitch... ow, my balls... my sack... ow, my fucking _balls_... oww..."

After a few moments, Kakuzu, Kisame, Itachi, Deidara and Tobi run into the room.

"What the hell happened?!" Kisame was the first to speak.

"Indeed," says Itachi. "It sounded like somebody was just killed."

"Kuroyuki-san..." Kakuzu tilts his head in the direction of the groaning, swearing lump at her feet. "What did you do to Hidan?"

"Not to worry," Kuroyuki assured, begining to walk toward the door. "I just taught him a lesson."

"That bitch..." Hidan groaned from the floor, "busted... my fucking balls... ow..."

At this, the moment Kuroyuki neared them, everybody, including the 'fearless' Uchiha prodigy, clasped their hands over their groins, with the exception of Tobi.

"Ooh, what kind of lesson, Kuroyuki-san?" Soon, the hyperactive masked boy began jumping up and down in place. "Teach me, teach me!"

Smirking devilishly, she merely nods. "Very well, Tobi."

"Wait Tobi," Deidara exclaims, "it's not that kind of-"

Soon, a high-pitched scream resonates throuhgout the HQ once more, and Tobi drops to the ground clutching his groin.

"-lesson... un."

Kneeling next to him, Kisame observes the boy on the ground carefully. "He passed out..."

Satisfied for the day, Kuroyuki turns and exits through the doorway.

"Okay..." Kakuzu, glancing at Hidan and the Tobi, then back at the other three. "All for not pissing off Kuroyuki in the future?"

All three ninja raise their arms over their heads immediately.

"Okay then."

So as they leave, Deidara pauses to grab Tobi's hands and drag him out of the room, leaving Hidan alone, still on the ground.

"Ow... my balls... I think one of them popped... ow..."

* * *

So... I know probably every Hidan fan in existance is going to find a way to track me and kill me in my sleep. I apologize in advance, but I just thought it was a decent idea for a chapter. I'm really sorry... please don't kill me...

Anyway, if anybody even cares, I'll post a new chapter soon. I'm SO sorry I haven't updated in so long, but school SUCKS. I'll say that much. Anyway, sorry again, and I'll try to post the next chapter sooner than this one. Bye all!


	4. Itachi Hates The Post Office

Life in Akatsuki

By: Tobi-the-good-boy

_Disclaimer:_ Once more, I don't own Naruto, so I don't own Akatsuki. Slight OOC, yadda yadda yadda, you get the drill. Don't like, don't review. Enjoy!

* * *

**Life in Akatsuki**

**Chapter 04: Itachi Hates The Post Office**

Not a whole lot was happening around HQ that day. Sasori was out looking for new poisons to use in his puppets while Deidara dragged Tobi along to go the art museum. Hidan went off to find people willing to convert to Jashin, and Kakuzu was off on the trail of another bounty. Zetsu was out shopping for gorceries as well as grave-robbing, and nobody had a clue where Leader and Kuroyuki were. The only members still in HQ were Kisame and Itachi, the former of the two watching TV as he waited for the Uchiha to wake.

'And now on Animal Planet,' the TV blasted, 'We dive into the deep to watch the mysterious angler fish.'

"Okay," Kisame yawned, scratching at the side of his head. "This is starting to get boring."

Switching off the TV, Kisame looked at the clock, which read 11:52 AM. He cursed mentally, now regretting his and Itachi's staying out so late at the bar last night. Then again, he knew he shouldn't be suprised, given they were out until midnight... not to mention Itachi was a total lightweight. Kisame had no idea someone could actually puke that much and survive.

After the clock read 12:15 PM, Kisame had had enough. He got up and went into the kitchen, then opened the junk drawer. He fumbled through it until he finally exhumed an airhorn from the mass of random objects within the drawer.

"If this doesn't wake him up, nothing will."

"Wake _who_ up?"

Kisame immediately jumped up while simultaneously screaming like a frightened housewife. He looked down from the safety of the ceiling fan to see Itachi staring up at him, a brow cocked.

"May I ask what you're doing, Kisame?"

Knowing he'd be in for one hell of a Tsukuyomi treatment if he told him he was about to blare an airhorn in his ear, he just dropped down from the fan and shrugged.

"In that case, come with me."

"Where to, Itachi-san?"

"The post office." As he spoke, Itachi worked on putting on his sandals while simultaneously drinking a mug of coffee. "I need to pick up some stamps."

Staring at Itachi like he had a second head, he couldn't help but wonder what he'd possibly need stamps for. But he followed Itachi out of HQ, perferring risk of being noticed to risk of Itachi's fury.

Before long, they were about a half-hour out into town. Looking around, Kisame licked his lips as they passed the entrance to the aquarium.

"Don't even think about it," snapped Itachi. "That's what got us kicked out of Seaworld. Besides, you look enough like a fish to make them put you in a tank if they saw you."

Kisame just grinned sheepishly, nodding slowly. He had almost completely forgotten about the... wait, did Itachi just say he looked strange?

"We're here."

Kisame broke out of his daze to see a small building before them. Entering, they had almost immediately bumped into somebody.

"Hey, watch it!" snapped an old man before the two. "You youngsters are gonna have to wait in line like everybody else!"

Both nodding, they stuck their heads outside the line to see just how far the line extended.

Kisame's jaw dropped to the floor while Itachi's eyes widened as if he was a little kid who had just learned the facts of life.

"Holy... shit..."

"I can't even see the other end of the line..."

After seemingly an eternity, the duo were still only about halfway through the line. They could see from a window that the sun had sunk from its height when they left HQ.

"This..." seethed Itachi, "Is getting... irritating..."

Kisame looked down at Itachi as he made this statement, and was truly surprised. He normally seemed calm, but this time he truly seemed mad. He was even pretty sure he just saw Itachi's eye twitch.

After what seemed like a few hours, they were finally only one more customer away from the front desk. Kisame looked outside to see that the sun had sunk behing the trees and buildings, and that the sky was getting dark. Looking over at a clock on the wall, Kisame nearly had a stroke when he saw the clock said it was 6:03.

"Um... Itachi-san...? I-"

He immedately shut up when he saw Itachi. He was currently grinding his teeth, and his fists were clenched so tight his knuckles were whiter than Kisame's teeth. His left eye twitched periodically, and the bloodshot look in his eyes suggested he was about ready to kill somebody.

"Okay, well that's all sir!"

They both looked to see that the man at the front desk had finished his buisness with the old man in front of them. As the old man turned to leave while inspecting his package, they both sighed with relief and stepped forward when the old man turned back to the front desk.

"Excuse me, but my name is Yamagami." The old man put the package back infront of the front desk attendant. "This package is made out to Yamaga_ri_."

"Oh, my mistake," the clerk said cheerfully. "Just give me a minute to search the back room for it."

As he left, Itachi threw his arms over his head and let out a loud shout.

"Oh come _**ON!**_ You gotta be _**KIDDING**_ me!"

Kisame was both amused at the way Itachi was acting, but simutaneously was scared enough to the point he felt like he was gonna piss himself. Something told him that if Itachi didn't calm down soon, things would get ugly.

"Um... Itachi-san, look what I have!"

As Itachi snapped his head in his direction, Kisame whipped a sledgehammer out of his cloak. In the same motion, he arched it over his head and brought it down on his own kneecap. Letting out a loud scream, Itachi calmed down significantly as Kisame rolled around on the floor clutching his knee. It was unclear how long this lasted, but by the time it ended the clerk had came back with a new package and handed it to the old man.

"Here you go sir, sorry for the mix up!"

Thanking him, the old man finally left. Sighing in relief, Kisame got up and walked with Itachi to the front desk... with a bit of a limp now. Just as Itachi opened his mouth to speak, the clerk flipped the OPEN sign next to the desk to the CLOSED side and looked back at Itachi, who looked at the clerk with a look of rage on his face.

"Sorry sir," the clerk chimed, "But the post office closes at 6:30. You can always come back tomorrow, okay?"

Totally silent, Itachi began shaking with pent up rage. As Kisame could feel what was coming, he laughed nervously and sprinted out of the post office. When he was across the street, the entire post office burst into a column of flames, burning bits of the establishment flying in numerous directions. Kisame stared at the burning wreckage with his mouth open, not reacting as Itachi passed by him.

"Let's go."

"Um... I think I'll catch up with you later, Itachi-san."

Shrugging, Itachi left Kisame where he was. When he got back to HQ, he saw everybody scattered on the couches of the living room, each eating from a carton of Chinese food. He noticed a couple cartons on the counter for Kisame and himself, so he grabbed one and went over to sit with his comrades.

"Hey Itachi-san!" Tobi chirped, hyper as usual. "Where did you and Kisame-san go? And why are you covered in ashes?"

"Post office," he said chewing on a forkful of beef and brocolli, "And I would rather not get into it."

A minute later, Kisame walked in and and grabbed his carton of Chinese food, then sat with the others. Upon sitting down, he reached into his cloak and tossed a roll of stamps into Itachi's lap from across the room. Itachi stared at the roll wide-eyed, then stared back at Kisame.

"Where... how..."

"I got them at the café two blocks away from the post office. Took me about ten minutes becauce I also stayed for a cappucino."

Eye twitching again and begining to growl, those near him scooted away from him out of concern for their own well being as Itachi's growl rose into a full-out yell.

"..._**FUCK!**_"

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Okay, I'm _**REALLY**_ sorry that I haven't updated in so long, but I have a good excuse. You see, my laptop got busted during the June of this summer, and I didn't get it back until about mid-August. Then when I _DID_ get it back, it was in worse shape than it was than before I sent it it! So it went back in to get totally wiped clean, then I got it back a few days ago. I took a few days to reinstall the programs that got erased, then I went back to typing. I promise to try and update as frequently as I can.

And on a sidenote, I shall now refer to Leader as Pein and Kuroyuki as Konan, since it turns out that those are their real names. I might go back and edit the old chapters, but I'm not promising anything. And also, Deidara is officially dead, but I hereby revive him because this fic would suck without Deidara. :3


	5. The Price of Boredom

Life in Akatsuki

By: Tobi-the-good-boy

_Disclaimer:_ I never have owned Naturo, and I never will. Which sucks. Enjoy, review if you like!

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**Life in Akatsuki**

**Chapter 05: The Price Of Boredom**

As usual, most of the Akatsuki members were off on their own devices while a few stayed behind and loafed about. The loafs in question were the red-headed puppeteer, the blond pyromaniacal sculptor, and the masked embodiment of hyperactivity. The trio was spread about the living room, each one slumped on a different couch.

"Sasori-san... Deidara-sempai..." whined Tobi from his upside-down position on the couch, "I'm really bored..."

"Join the club," Deidara growled, "We've got jackets... un."

Turning his gaze in their direction, Sasori merely rolled his eyes.

"Where is everybody anyway?" Tobi inquired as he righted himself.

Pondering for a few seconds, Deidara only shrugged. "Not sure, un."

"Pain-sama and Konan-san are out of town on buisness," said Sasori, fiddling with strands of his hair, "Kisame-san and Itachi-san went to see a movie premier, Kakuzu-san is out trying to collect debts, Hidan is trying to spread that damned religion of his, and Zetsu-san... actually, I have no clue where he is."

Tobi leaped off the couch and began walking around the room, scratching at the side of his head.

"Why don't we go out and do something since everybody else is out? Wouldn't that be better than just sitting here and being bored?"

Exchanging glances, Deidara and Sasori merely layed further back into the couch as Deidara picked up the TV remote.

"Since we don't want to leave and if you're that bored," Sasori asked, "Why not find someting around here to do?"

"Oi, Tobi," Deidara called snickering. "How about you look around through everybody elses rooms and see if you can find something fun."

Before Sasori could advise against it, Tobi squeeled in glee and darted straight for Zetsu's room. Shooting Deidara a glare that could kill, Sasori punched his arm as the blond started chuckling.

"Ow!" Deidara stared as Sasori with a mixture of anger and confusion, looking rather comical. "Danna, what did you do that for, un?!"

"Because he'll end up getting in trouble," said Sasori calmly, "And if _he_ gets busted, _we_ get busted."

A few moments later, Tobi came out of Zetsu's room holding what looked like a four-pound bag of reefer.

"Deidara-sempai, Sasori-san!" Tobi called enthusiastically, "Look, Zetsu-san has a leaf collection!"

Staring wide-eyed, Deidara began flailing his limbs over his head and shouting near-incoherently.

"Oi, put that back where you found that, un!" he exclaimed, looking like a deer in headlights. "Those aren't regular leaves!"

"Go on, now!" Sasori yelled, gesturing so frantically he looked nearly epileptic. "Just go look in Hidan and Kakuz-san's room!"

Shrugging, Tobi tossed the weed back in the room and made a beeline for Hidan and Kakuzu's room. Exchanging glances, Sasori and Deidara got up and each grabbed a can of cola out of the fridge.

Not but a few minutes later, Tobi re-emreged with a cardboard box under each arm.

"I found these under their beds!" Tobi exclaimed. "Kakuzu-san's has money, and Hidan's is full of pictures of Konan-san in the shower!"

Sasori's eyes bulged and cola sprayed from his mouth. Deidara immediately set his cola down and flung himself at Tobi, knocking him over and causing the boxes to tumble back in the room.

"Just go look in Itachi-san and Kisame-san's room!" shouted Deidara, sweating profusely. "Quick, now, un!"

Nodding, Tobi ran for Itachi and Kisame's room. Going back to the couch Sasori was at, he plopped down next to him and let out a long sigh. Looking at him, Sasori poked at his shoulder.

"What, un?"

"Given what he found in the last two rooms," Sasori began, "What do you think he'll find in theirs?"

A look of dread crossing his face, Deidara just stayed quiet and took a long sip from his cola. A minute later, Tobi stumbled out of the room shaking like a leaf.

"Kisame-san... had freeze-dried fish snacks under his bed... and Itachi-san..." pausing, Tobi gulped before contiuing. "Had a bunch of _hands_ in a box. _Real_ peoples hands... they were all dried-out and bloody and... _eww_..."

Without another word, Tobi shambled for Pain and Konan's room. Exchanging glances, Deidara and Sasori just shuddered and turned on the TV.

A few minutes later, they heard a squeal and Tobi ran out of the room holding a bunch of bra's in one hand and a pack of condoms in the other with what looks like an inflated one held in between his fingers.

"Look, Deidara-sempai, Sasori-san!" Tobi cried, sounding overjoyed. "I found a whole bunch of slingshots in Konan-san's dresser! They even have two cups for more stuff to shoot! And Pain-sama has a whole bunch of individually-wrapped balloons!"

Sasori yelped and threw himself at Tobi while Deidara doubled over in laughter. Ripping the items out of Tobi's hands and throwing them back in the room, he then picked up Tobi and threw him into his, Deidara's and Tobi's room.

"_Go to bed!_"

Slamming the door closed and going back to sit on the couch, Sasori and Deidara were then content to watch TV for the rest of the evening. About an hour after the shennanigans took place, they heard the main door open and looked over the back of the couch to see everybody walking in.

"Greetings," Pain said, looking mildly bored. "I trust everything was alright while we were gone?"

Both nodding, the moment everybody was back in their rooms, they made a beeline for the door when the shouting started.

"Hey, who moved our stash?!"

"My money is everywhere!"

"Who messed with my fucking pictures?!"

"Somebody swiped most of my Fishy-Bites!"

"Why is the lid on my trophy-box open?"

"Who's been going through my underwear drawer?!"

"Who's been messing with my Magnums?!"

Stopping just short of the door, Sasori and Deidara turned to see everybody behind them, each holding something to hit them with.

"Um..." Sasori muttered, attempting to make an excuse. "Uh..."

"Yeah..." Deidara began, grinning sheepishly. "We were bored?"

As they closed in on them, Deidara turns to face Sasori, looking both angry and amused.

"You think they'll believe Tobi did it, un?"

"At this point, I don't think it will matter."

An hour later, everybody eventually got tired and went to bed.

Sasori and Deidara ate through straws all of the following week.

While Tobi didn't get busted, he still hasn't gotten over seeing Itachi's trophies. He woke up screaming every night for over a month.

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Once more, I'm extremely sorry that I haven't updated in so long, but I get so distracted that I usually forget about this, then when I do remember, I'm to lazy to type. I know this probably isn't my best work, but I just needed to post it.

I've got another chapter or two in the works, and I hope they'll be up soon. Thanks for being patient, folks. :3

By the way, it turns out Pein's name is literally spelt like Pain. I didn't know that, so I'm just sharing with ya. See ya next chapter. :3


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